#like cartoon characters always wear one outfit for a reason it saves time and money

[lethal-liability]

This is such a stupid little thing but I really appreciate in Billy and Mandy how they appear to go to public school but they still have to wear uniforms. My school district made us do that my entire school life growing up and I've never seen it represented in any media, it's always private school kids that have uniforms and public school kids just wear their regular clothes

[afreakingdork]

So this isn’t really a review as it is more a rant. I had a reaction last year that was very dangerous and it has taken me a long time to recover. When I am not feeling good I love turning to cartoons because they represent low stress and easy on the mind entertainment when everything else seems out of control. I cut the cord with cable years ago and I only have Hulu and Netflix to turn to for entertainment. I am a huge buff when it comes to cartoons in general and I even ran a club back in my college days dedicated to teaching others about the joy of cartoons, but recently I took on watching Twelve Forever on Netflix, a show that if you remember was posted as a short back in 2016 for Cartoon Network to pilot test new shows (a practice they have been doing for a hot minute now). Now I am going to put a majority of my rant under the cut just in case people don’t want to look at the text but I will simplify my point here (feel free to stop reading if you disagree). I don’t like the message that this show portrays about vices and growing up...

Now I have done the basic research and I understand the creator’s past issues with alcohol. Now because of that fact I would assume this was a direct correlation in a show about escaping the real world, but instead we are left with 25 episodes where Reggie doesn’t really learn anything. Reggie is a selfish character and an outcast. I totally get it, I was a wild child myself and I couldn’t care less if I had friends or didn’t. One time my mom tried to punish me by taking everything out of my room, but my imagination was so strong that I was having a blast playing with literally nothing. I see myself in Reggie in so many ways, but there are many ways I don’t. She is incredibly selfish as Todd kindly points out. She is so selfish that it manifests in the show via the fact that Ester is constantly trying to put some meaning into Endless. It takes all the way until the end of the series to even find out how Reggie made a way for herself to enter even though Ester has been asking those questions all along. Reggie constantly just brushes any comments about Endless away with an ‘I don’t care’ or ‘It’s more fun to accept Endless the way it is,’ which is awful considering how dangerous Endless actually is. 

A big departure from the short is the added gross-out humor that wasn’t necessarily as prevalent in those first 8 minutes. I was jarred in that first episode when they started to lean heavily on creepy or downright gross comedy as I wasn’t expecting anything like that from this supposed fun and magical world. Instead we have an entire episode where our trio plans to spend all of spring break on Endless only to have Reggie removed from the equation due to appendicitis. Ester and Todd LITERALLY lose their minds due to their prolonged stay on Endless and when Reggie can finally make her appearance to save them, she has to physically force them out. They regain their memories and are visibly scared by what has happened to them, while Reggie is just mad that they ‘ignored her’ when they were clearly under some sort of spell. She doesn’t care about their well-being and instead chooses to go back into Endless alone because she missed her time there and her friends are just disrespecting her. The episode ends with Reggie lamenting that her fictional friends are her real friends. This ominous ending is just that and this idea never really comes to fruition further. 

This idea is expanded on further when we meet Elmer who is a child that was orphaned and decided to move his life into Endless permanently. We are shown that he has not only lost his mind, but his humanity. While Todd and Ester are scared by this proposition, Reggie is instead spurned on. She still wants to live her life on Endless and believes she is stronger than Elmer in that she won’t succumb to the same fate. I see how this can be a definite parallel to addiction, but with 25 episodes the story that is told doesn’t even get close to showing how this mentality is a bad thing. Are the writers just assuming they are going to get another season? More story progress was had in the 10 episode arc that was Over the Garden Wall than this and I find that totally appalling. One of the main reasons I stopped watching Teen Titans Go! was because the episodes started to become moral-less.Let me clarify that I don’t expect kids cartoons to have morals! I mean I watched Adventure Time and I can totally get down on a whole episode that amounts to nothing but a fart joke. The issue i have is when you set yourself up for something real, something that can impact that life of a child, that you are doing a disservice to a very impressionable target demographic. I am worried about the kids that will watch Twelve Forever and think that this type of escapist attitude is alright in the world. This is why ensemble casts are so important in cartoons. It’s healthy to surround yourself with other people. Not caring about others isn’t cool just because you want to be weird and quirky. There are other weird and quirky people out there that will love and support you. You shouldn’t just be the way you are so boldly that it alienates you from everyone else. I’m not saying to not be yourself. You should always be yourself boldly, but human beings are inherently apart of society and it’s healthy for them to interact. 

Now this idea leads into a larger concept about the infantilization of millennials and I am a millennial that is well into their 20s who loves watching cartoons. I know that this idea of nostalgia is ruling media right now and I am happily apart of it.  To people who tell me I am too old to watch cartoons I of course say they are being ridiculous and cartoons have always been created for kids with the parents who have to ‘suffer’ through them in mind. Parents are always in the background of creators thoughts because they will always been inadvertently watching the cartoons also, but this message of  infantilization in Twelve Forever scares me. I am scared for Reggie that she will never grow up and will be lost to Endless forever because she was never encouraged to grow emotionally for the sake of her friends. The whole reason she made it into Endless was as an escape because she can’t deal with her emotions and no one is trying to help her. This brings me to the characterization of parents in Twelve Forever. I find the parents in the show to be downright horrifying. 

Reggie’s mom, Judy, genuinely thought it was a good idea to give her daughter a bra on her 12th birthday full well knowing that one of her party guests was going to be a boy. Just typing out that sentence I can feel the second hand embarrassment. Judy believes she is doing the right thing by shoving make-up at her daughter because that is what she liked at that age. It doesn’t matter to her that Reggie is an obvious ‘tomboy’ who even asked for a specific new action figure for her birthday. She can only see her daughter through her own eyes and does nothing to try to get closer or understand her on any emotional level. Now you can of course say that she is working as a nurse and those are undeniably grueling hours, but Reggie is straight up honest with her mom and her mom blatantly ignores this. Judy even has a friend, Kathy, in the show who is an archetype for a less than feminine woman. She takes no cues from Kathy when it comes to raising her own less than feminine daughter and instead just exasperatedly can’t understand why Reggie is the way she is. Now I was a ‘tomboy’ (it’s in quotes because I don’t care for the phrase, gender roles are bullshit) who grew up after my mother refused to even dress me in girls clothes. My mom was so frustrated with unhealthy depictions of women that I wasn’t allowed to have Barbies and I didn't mind this, I could crash my Hot Wheels all day and make a parade float out of Beanie Babies without a care, but when it later came to choosing my own clothes my mother never intercepted. It was always my choice, because expression is important, but Judy can barely meet Reggie halfway in the episode where they go to the mall to pick out an outfit for Reggie to wear to a wedding. She ends up forcing Reggie into an uncomfortable and ill-fitting purple dress and tries to make up for her actions by letting Reggie pick out equally ill-fitting big ole’ red boots. I don’t find this to be compromise, this is nothing but simple placation. Judy knows what she did was wrong, but she refuses to see any other way to move forward on the matter and the show thinks that this is a heartfelt way to wrap things up to which I wholeheartedly disagree.  

Another failed parental image that scares me is Todd’s dad. This is a man we see only once and can only imagine through Todd’s eyes. This is a man that is in the midst of some mid-life crisis and has somehow gotten custody of his kids in a divorce. He has a new wife(girlfriend?) who he pours so much money into making her happy by taking her out constantly and doing what she suggests (dying his hair) that he can barely pay his bills and is shown to be repeatedly selling off Todd’s objects to make ends meet. Todd even tried to hide a coin collection only to have it inadvertently found by his little sisters, who are wild due to lack of parenting, and then sold immediately by his dad for cash. This unhealthy situation is of course what leads Reggie to showing Todd Endless, but the show again puts no effort into illustrating that this is a horrible situation for Todd. Instead it is just his circumstance to give some semblance of meaning to the fact that he wants to escape reality. This paired with everything else is exactly the reason why Twelve Forever scares me so much. It depicts these incredibly unhealthy and downright dangerous situations as simply existences that people have to suffer through. If I were a kid that had watched that, I would just thought that was normal and not something that is inherently wrong with our society that should not be perpetuated or fixed! This is not representation, this is normalization. 

P.S. But hey, Reggie has a crush on a girl so we should support lgbtqia+ media? Well here’s my little piece of that. I love my little lesbeans. If you’ve read any of my reviews you know it’s something I crave, but Reggie is so misplaced in her emotional development that just coming to terms with the fact that she may have done something embarrassing in front of her crush is enough for her. She then shuns Conelly (and the options of gaining friends in the real world who like the same quirky stuff as she does), so that she can once again return to Endless. It’s less satisfying then yuri for the sake of perv pandering in my opinion. 

[azeher]

The Boob dilemma (totally a clickbait title)

One of my favorite things about the outrage and discourse that arised back when the character design for She-ra, from the 2018 She-ra reboot, made their debut is how on one side of the argument we had men in their forties complaining at how the new design completely destroyed their prenotions of what the character of She-ra should look like, hence feeling like an ultimate attack from the millenial generation toward the pop culture of their youth in an attempt to strip them from what once was part of their identity while at the same time appropiating that identity. And they were also mad that she looked like a boy.

And on the other side of the argument we had a group of very strong voices expressing their content at the fact these men could not get any sexual satisfaction from this character anymore.

What entices me the most about this argument is how they don’t seem to even be arguing against each other, but at some sort of nondescript enemy. By the time the original She-ra came out, He-man was already a phenomenon among boys and girls alike, and we know this because little girls love action-adventure shows and that was exactly why Mattel wanted to cash on this fact, by releasing new girl-oriented characters in the MotU toyline. And that’s how Filmations’ She-ra the Princess of Power came to be. And being the first ever created action-figure series for girls, she was groundbreaking in every way. What they didn’t expect tho, was that boys became invested in this new show as well, because we all know boys love inspiring heros regardless of their gender, and she actually got to be more popular among them than among girls at the time.

So, seeing as the audience of these two shows and that the target market of these toys were children, it’s safe to assume these boys weren’t really getting any sort of sexual satisfaction from the design of the characters. And I can hear what you’re saying: But these boys grew up! They became creepy men that sexualize teenage female characters and complain about boobs!

Those are very acceptable points, but following that idea, we have to take in mind that by the time these kids reached puberty, these characters became part of the sexual awakening and identity for a lot of them, girls and boys alike. Not to mention, the idea for She-ra and He-man was that they were full adult versions of Adora and Adam, and that shows in the designs and animation. Adora and Adam themselves didn’t look that younger either, probably because a lot of animated shows from the 80s had 15 y/o and up teenagers looking like they were in their 30s (Saint Seiya), and probably so they didn’t have to fabricate very different doll molds for the toys production (okay, we know this is the reason).

But She-ra wasn’t a sexual icon any more than Barbie or Xena were. And the one thing Xena and She-ra have in common aside from being badass warrior princesses AND fashion icons of the fantasy genre is that they sported what I like to call the short short skirt, which takes me to my next point: The clothes.

The clothes design for the new She-ra is casually pretty, casually comfortable and casually fit of the teenage character she fully represents now. And she also wears shorts. That called my attention because there was not a single scene in which you could see under the skirts of any of the two aforementioned ladies. In fact, there was a law stablished by the Executive Producer and the Animation Coordinator of the 80s She-ra that prohibited any shot of her panties, no matter how high her leg went up or if she was doing acrobatics. While there was always a black shadow under the heavy layers of leather Xena wore whenever she threw one of her famous kicks. Anyone could still argue these outfits were “slutty”, but the negative note in this statement would contradict the notion that girls are allowed to feel comfortable with their bodies and sexuality while expressing themselves and shouldn’t be ashamed for what they choose to wear, also, that their clothes shouldn’t influence at all the way men react and behave around them, so I’m gonna assume people who use this argument are just tired of seeing these costumes in Halloween.

Now onto my second to last point: Boobs. Yeah, no, I’ve got nothing here. Some people are just obsessed with boobs, even in cartoons. No boobs, no woman, apparently. Imagine WonderWoman without boobs. I guess she’s suddenly a guy. Having the words ‘woman’ or ‘she’ in their hero names aren’t indicative enough of their gender.

Which allows me to address my final point: Body diversity. MotU lacked this one, mostly so Mattel could save money on toy production costs (and maybe also animation costs for Filmation, that got to reuse and redraw many frames), which makes the character design of the 2018 reboot an evident and refreshing improvement. But often, when I see The Discourse play out, a popular counter argument against 80s fans is brought up: That She-ra’s new body is simply better because it actually reflects her age and because she looks strong instead of traditionally feminine, no longer having a thin waist and hourglass figure which are sexist features. The core problem of this argument is that girls like this exist. The idea that one body type is inherently better than another is already incorrect, but there are young girls whose genetics make their bodies develop faster. Are these girls reinforcing sexism? And what about femininity? Is there only one right way to exercise it?

There really isn’t anything wrong with the original She-ra (aside from the one body-one face syndrome the characters were subjected to). It was a happy and colorful show that taught girls and boys alike valuable lessons like having confidence in themselves and doing the right thing, and also had silly mascots. 

The 2018 She-ra seems like a refined version of this, with diverse characters and a central conflic that explores the close relationship between love and hate, childhood abuse, trauma and the way stereotypes are used as a war tactic to take down entire populations. While staying goofy from beginning to end despite all that.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s possible to enjoy both versions. Actually, it isn’t if you’re younger than 30. The pacing and stiff animation of the 80s one had me falling asleep every episode. But my point is that the original She-ra is not bad because of the reasons people like to use, and that a lot of 80s fans, mainly the ones not obsessed with boobs, just feel alienated from a franchise they used to know so well but that was reformed.

[ironbloodaika]

What are your top 10 superheroines and why?

I normally don’t do Top 10′s since I suck at narrowing things down, but I just can’t say no to you. XD I’ll give this a shot. These lovely ladies won’t be in any individual order of preference. I’ll just summarize what I like both about their looks and characters.

Harley Quinn: In recent years Harley’s proven to be a hero in her own right, thanks to shaking off the grip of the Joker’s influence. Harley’s a very sweet and fun character, bringing a lot of joy and color into otherwise dark stories, but not without some craziness to make her out of place in the setting. Her outfits and personality are adorable and she’s very affectionate to those she loves, plus she’s one of those characters who’s had a WIDE range of costumes, but each works since Harley’s traits are so defined, you never have difficulty picking her from a crowd.

Batgirl: Another lovely lady from Gotham’s night life I was introduced to by the Batman Animated Series. I was especially a fan of her depiction in the final seasons were she became more of a main part of the team (being voiced by the ever awesome Tara Strong didn’t hurt). XD She kicks in all her finery, heels and red hair blazing. I liked how she had her own relationship with Batman as opposed to the Robin’s as she herself joined the fight against crime instead of being recruited. She listened to Batman because of his experience and training, but wasn’t beholden to him either, but never let anything like ego get in the way of saving the day or from speaking her mind and using her skills. Also LOVED how in SBFF she was a total fangirl for Batman...the Frank Miller-esque Batman. The difference in design is hilarious!

Wonder Woman: A character I really didn’t get to know until the Justice League cartoon, since the Super Friends version was rather bland in character. She really earned her spot among the Trinity. She’s not just gorgeous with a body that shows quite a bit of muscle, but she’s also able to go toe-to-toe with people in Superman’s league and doesn’t have any issue getting her hands dirty or fighting dirty if the situation calls for it. I also liked a trait in the comics that, sadly, hasn’t been as well depicted in the cartoons, is her compassion. She’s someone who’s just as willing to offer someone a helping hand as she is willing to lay down a smackdown. She manages to walk the line of a kick-ass warrior and someone who favors peace without breaking stride.

Supergirl: Another I owe to the DCAU. I liked her style and design and the friendship she had with Barbara and the family she made with Superman and the Kents. And I’m kinda cheating with combining her with the SBFF version too, but I liked her muscles and curves. :3 So hot! But back to personality I liked how she both wanted to be her own hero and not just be seen as Superman’s cousin, but was also proud to be a part of the family and wore his hero crest with pride.

Raven: I didn’t notice her at first when the show first started (my eyes were first drawn to Starfire) but as time went on I saw her as more than just a ‘goth’ character I starting to see more of in fiction. Unlike a lot of goth characters at the time, Raven was never really a bitch or jerk to the team. She was a little guarded and quiet, but she still considered them friends and had no issue being friends with them. There’s a very nice bit of subtle changes to her design as the series goes on, with her wearing her hood up less and less when hanging with her friends outside of battles. She becomes more open with them, smiling and laughing with their shenanigans (most of the time). And as TTG showed us QUITE a bit, she’s got a LOT to like under that cloak. :3

Starfire: She was the first I noticed mostly through her looks. While her outfit wasn’t as revealing as her comics outfit, it was still a huge shock to someone used to Supergirl and Batgirl’s style of dress. That said I learned to see more to the character than looks and really enjoyed how sweet and emotional she was. She wasn’t a push over by any means, she was just someone who truly and honestly loved her friends and would do anything to help them out or keep them happy. That sorta genuine affection is rare and pretty adorable. She’s the kind of person we all wish we had in life. Also I found her attitude towards love, sex, and relationships (in the early comics at least before the reboot) to be pretty mature and showing she clearly understands the concepts which a lot of people have a hard time grasping (even helping out Raven understanding her own feelings ont he subject).

Empowered: An original hero of @adamwarrencomics creations, I discovered her from some art I came across on Deviantart. I gotta be honest, when I first saw the previews and read the book summary, I bought the first issue thinking it was just gonna be some light fan-service and parody. Thankfully I was wrong about that. The shallow bit that is. While the story doesn’t shy away from EMP, her body, or her relationship with her boyfriend time and again, it never does it in a way you could call crude or exploitative. It all flows naturally with the narrative that follows her life as a hero, both in the field and at home. You really feel for the girl and her struggle to be a hero and the constant shit her so-called “co-workers” and even random civvies give her. You just wanna give her a hug. But not because she’s gorgeous or anything, but because you honestly believe in her. You know she can be a kick-ass superhero and know she can prove those jack-asses wrong. And with every issue you see her overcoming each obstructed in her way and becoming more and more self-assured and effective as a hero. It also helps when you see she’s one of the few heroes without any showboating tendencies. She helps others from a desire to genuinely help and do good. 

Artemis: Husky voice, blonde hair, tan skin, pony-tail, muscles, and abs you could grate cheese on. :3 Pure 10 out of 10 on the looks scale. :3 Now for character I like Artemis cause she’s very different from other superheroines in that she’s much more in your face and not one to take shit from people. Now to some people that means to be an asshole or be the only one making decisions, but for her it just means not letting others speak for her and to let other walk over her. A lot of people seemed to not like her for that reason (despite praising guy characters for literally the same thing) but I really liked it. Tough girls kick ass. And when you know about her history, her attitude makes sense. When you’re raised by a mentally, physically, and verbally abusive asshole who wants to mold you into a side-kick for his merc business, you’d want to stick it to the guy by doing good and making your atoner mom proud. With that sorta determination, you’re not gonna take any new-gal hazing. XD But that said, she was also nice and considered the others her friends, even if it was rough goings at first, to the point she was willing to reveal VERY personal information to them, rather than be blackmailed. VERY nice change of pace from the standard tropes in fiction.

Huntress: Another hard-nosed hottie with a thing for arrows, I was introduced to her with Justice League Unlimited. I really felt for the character. The daughter of a mob boss who was murdered along with her mother in front of her by one of their subordinates. It’s not hard to see her trying to get her revenge on the SOB, even if it means getting kicked out of the Justice League and taking on Black Canary and Green Arrow to do it. While she does eventually make the right call, I honestly found myself rooting for her at times because you really felt for her. But at least she got a nice relationship with The Question out of all of it and it was one of the most adorable pairings in the entire show. She was willing to kick some MAJOR ass to keep him safe and it took Superman to reign her in from straight up killing people. Not in the comics I think. Also, them legs and that AB WINDOW. What is it with girls with arrows and having killer abs? XD

Uravity/Froppy: Bit of a tie since I like them both. Froppy is adorable and is blunt and honest without being a bitch, a trap that befalls most characters. She’s sweet to her friends and is willing to put her life on the life for them no questions asked. She was seconds away from a literal Touch of Death, but spent what would have been her last moments trying to get her friend away from getting crushed to death. Also if her and Attea have taught me anything, frog-girls are fucking adorable. Dem legs and dat ass. :3 As for Uravity she is SUCH a breath of fresh air for anime female leads. She’s not a Tsundere Bitch to the lead and is nothing but a compassionate and supporting friend to Deku, even after just meeting him once. She feels guilty that her goals for being a hero aren’t as altruistic as the others, but are still noble in that she hopes to get enough money to give her parents an easy life after a life time of back-breaking labor. She’s just a very supportive character always pushing herself to get better and really showing some great character in doing so. Plus who doesn’t love that adorable blush of hers and that bit of thickness on her. :3 Very nice. XD

[papermoth-bird-blog]

San Francisco: The setting sun.

Early morning in San Francisco, might be one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced. Especially in the quite of the Sunset district, which is the more “boring” part of town in which a lot of immigrant families have settled. The houses, though more simple in decoration than the Haight-Ashbury district, are still painted in all sorts of beautiful colours- many of them pastel tones; pinks, baby blues, pale greens & yellows. Walking in the empty streets of the region alone in the warm reflection of the houses has to be a version of heaven. At the very least, it would be an excellent location for a Sophia Coppola film- or girl gaze photo shoot (looking at you Ali).

My friend Asa’s friend Carolina lives in the sunshine district & that’s where I ended up staying on my second night in San Fran. The area has plenty of Chinese restaurants- that I wish I could say I went to, but alas, I didn’t. Apparently it’s some of the best Chinese food outside of China. I’ll have to make a point of going next time I’m in San Fran.

When I awoke at the hostel, I moved pretty quickly- packing everything away & hurrying down to get breakfast. Honestly, I loved the hostel & would be totally keen to stay there again. It’s the right amount of people, so you can be as social or as lonesome that you’d like without it being weird. It also just generally has good vibes. Plus the breakfast was included- so you know I tried to eat a days worth of food all in the morning to save monies. Although it is in the Tenderloin- which is where all the homeless people got pushed into when aggressive gentrification came and swept the city. After breakfast, I decided to check my bags there & pick them up later since I was already downtown. I left the building without even glancing at a map- happy to exploring in the way of getting terribly & wonderfully lost. Over the course of this trip I’ve become so comfortable & confident in doing so. I think part of my previous distress with the city is being inherently nervous there- so many people, so much to pay attention to in order to navigate it properly/safely. In working through my personal anxiety, I’ve also been able to inadvertently mend my relationship with cities themselves. That being said- I think I still have a country heart & will always crave place that don’t require shoes. Spending time in cities has been really good for me in a way I didn’t expect. I am happy for it.

I wandered through much of the city- first starting off conservatively in the flatter neighbourhoods; the mission, the Castro. Kluane said one of the things I must do is visit the Tartarine Bakery- one of her favourites in the entire world. By happy coincidence I stumbled upon it during my wandering. The line up was around the block- so you know it had to be good. Like everything in Sa Fran, it was a little expensive- but I got some small little bits in a box & took it with me to eat in a near by park. My favourite little bit was the raspberry meringue with cacao nibs. SOOO good. Not too sweet, wild texture. In the line, I heard some pretty funny conversations that showed the heart of San Francisco. The lady in front of me spoke loudly about the tenants of Eastern European Clowning. Others spoke about the odd theatre projects they hoped to get off the ground somehow. There was died hair & texture & wild patterns in the get-ups. I was starting to feel really good about it all.

After I finished eating (& drinking my Komboucha—which I promptly sent a review of to Ryan) I wandered over to Ashbury Heights.  Hands down this is the most famous part of San Francisco. Complete with colourful “painted lady” Victorians, winding hills & people wearing outfits straight out of the late 60s. Haight street is the main hub of the area. I have to say, Haight probably has some of the best vintage stores I’ve ever been to. I’m not gonna lie.. In one store (that was gathered like a library of vintage, sorted by year) I had tears gathering in my eyes. The clothing there were each individual works of art. I spent a good chunk of time studying the hats stacked high to the ceiling, and then the beaded gowns from the 20’s. Again, all these things inspiring so many ideas for future themed parties & White Rabbit. I don’t have much room in my pack (or money for that matter), but I couldn’t leave without buying some beautiful silk scarves- so I could play the part of 50s femme fatale. I also found some really beautiful old postcards from San Fran, which I added to my collection.

The area is also home to some really fun cafes & great record shops. I partially wished I could have spent more time there, but I was craving the park. I wandered over to Golden Gate park which was near by. As I basked in the sun, looking at the fresh tree blossoms, I heard bongo drums carrying over the wind. In those moments, I felt the echoe of the 60s in such a real way. I picked some pear blossoms & stuck them in my hair, nestled under by new blue silk scarf & found a low twisted tree to settle into. I sat in the tree for what felt like forever, looking out over the hills towards the Spanish church steeples & the Golden Gate bridge peeking out over the city haze. I breathed deeply, basking in my peaceful lonesome thoughts. It felt so good to be my myself again. I thought of friends & home, and what it would take to make me feel more grounded there going forward. I feel so much more prepared to be steadfast in what I wanted in my life, the things I would no longer tolerate because they would not allow me to live in the peace I crave. I learned a lot about that through my inner turmoil in the Gopala situation. I talked to my friend Stephanie (who had just been in San Fran a few months back). We talked about the beautiful Botanical gardens in the park, but also exchanged some brief life updates.

Not long after that, as I wove on down the path from the hilltop of Beuno Vista park, the sole of my shoe (on my favourite fringe-toes boots) fell off. So I hobbled along with my sole flopping around like cartoon character. Despite my slight distress over the situation, I still had some stuff I wanted to do, so I continued wandering- albeit at a more manageable pace for my failing footwear.

I got myself back over to the mission area in search of a burrito. For some reason, there seemed to be a lot of pumpkins about- sat out on front porches of the colourful houses. Don’t know entirely what that was about- maybe its pumpkin season insanely early in Cali (doesn’t entirely seem sensicle to me), maybe they thrive in the zeitgeist of Halloween?? Anyways, I found the section that is the capital of burritoville. I chose taqueria Cancun- both because it’s supposed to be one of the best & I am heading to Cancun too.. so might as well get prepped. Despite it being massive, I ate the burrito in about two minutes. I have to say- it has got to be one of the best burritos I’ve ever had & I mean that. Pure & simple & perfect little baby sized wrap. After I polished off that baby off, I stumbled over to get my pack from the hostel.

In a series of unfortunate mis-understandings, I accidentally took an uber over to perhaps the sketchiest parts of the whole Bay area. Two hours later though, I found myself at Carolina’s in the quiet of the Sunset district- ready to crash on that basment couch. I had some quick conversations with the roommates- queer artist types- and then went to bed.

I woke in the early morning, before anyone else in the house. I went to the downtown area to a place called Mel’s diner to meet an old friend I knew in High School. My partial motivation for this, was to get more content for my friend’s diner instagram account. Seeing Monica was so nice. We were not particularly close in high school, but took all four years of visual arts together. She’s been living in California on and off for the last 5 years or so. Originally she was living in the mountains of Santa Cruz & found a really lovely community out there. Eventually, San Francisco lured her in. She told me of the awesome non-profit she first worked for, but eventually the astounding living costs forced her into the tech sector. She enjoys her job at a video game company, but after studying art history & global development, I think her heart still craves work in that area. We talked about how San Francisco’s tech boom is making it impossible for artists to stay here, creating work. Most of them have been pushed out to Oakland, but even Oakland is seeing such rapid gentrification, it is making it quite difficult for artists to stay- let alone continue to show their work. The same is happening in many other west coast art hubs like Portland & Seattle. Of course, once the artists leave, San Francisco will die in the ways it was. Which is terribly sad- confirming it is no longer the city of love it once was in decades past. For the moment, there are still glimpses of it though, and I hope to be back while it still exists in this manner.  It was nice seeing Monica & see her doing so well now, even though she will likely soon have to leave San Francisco too. She definitely inspired me to go back to Santa Cruz for longer next time- there are some cool land projects & anarchist communities out there she thought I’d really jive with. She also told me about some cool farms in Big Sur. I can’t wait to get back there with my sisters. Monica was bullied in High school and it makes me so happy & relieved knowing that she found peace and acceptance away from Toronto. Giving me added hope for love & harmony around the world.

I walked Monica to work (she often has to work 7 days a week to make enough hours to get by- which is insane to her too). After that, I wandered by myself again- as it is my very favourite activity. I walked along the piers- that is to say for a few hours. I slowly made my way towards the golden gate bridge. I eventually got to the park just past the maritime museum in the fisherman’s warf. It was there that I got a message from my best friend Kluane. “Is it okay if I call you” she said. Of course, we often try and chat on the phone, but I had a feeling in that moment it was something important. I crossed my arms & called her in Winnipeg. She picked up right away & hurried into it. It echoed a call I had with my father last fall. She asked me if it was a good time to hear some difficult news. I mean I was in public, but once hearing that sentence it’s hard to delay hearing it anyways. Plus, I heard in her tone she needed to talk about something really important too.

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Danielle Moore.

As I looked out over the Golden Gate Bridge, Klu gently let me know that our friend Danielle Moore was on a flight heading to Kenya for a UN conference. She continued that the plane had gone down & there had been no survivors. I could hear the shock in her voice still. I didn’t even really notice that I had started crying. After a relatively short chat, we hung up the phone & agreed to talk soon. I spent the next half hour crying in that park alone- trying my best not to full out sob loudly- I don’t know how effective I was in that effort.

I met Danielle in university. In second year we had been nextdoor neighbours- living in twin houses Victorian houses. Due to the fact that they looked exactly the same, we our separate friend group inadvertently often waltzed right into the other’s apartments. Once, Danielle’s partner so far as walked into my roommate’s room, only then realizing he was in the wrong place. During warmer months, both of our house hold would spend days drawing in chalk on the sidewalks outside & strumming ukelele’s & doing crafts. We went to eachother’s house parties. A year or so later, we found our paths crossing even more often, trading often on BUNZ & finding ourselves at a lot of the same events. Danielle had some of the most brilliant optimism & energy I’d ever witnessed. She tirelessly worked towards making the world a better place- widely diversifying her causes. She was honestly so inspiring & hands down one of the friendliest people I’ve ever met. I know a lot of people say that about people that have passed away. I can’t emphasize how true it was; Is. If Danielle was still here, the same things would still be said. I am in a state of absolute shock. I know the wider community is too.

As Klu said, it just seems so wholly unfair, that something so horrible would happen like that- especially to Danielle. There is no making sense of it. Kluane & Danielle had become really close over the last year- as they had both been living in Winnipeg. When Leon, Klu’s brother was to visit after Klu returned to Winnipeg (after meeting us in Mexico), they had made plans to go skating all together. My heartbreaks for her in such a really way too. She’s been doing her very best to honour Danielle in anyway she can & has been spearheading a ritual for all of Danielle’s loved ones across the world. I am doing my best to support that goal, despite my physical distance.

After my good public sob-fest, I called my sister on the phone to tell her. I decided to by my ticket back to LA there & then. I wanted to be around someone I knew, even just to be there quietly next to them. Having family near-ish felt like a good option for me. I soon texted Mia that I would be coming back earlier than expected.

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I still owed Gopala money from our roadtrip up the coast. I met up with him & tried my best to be brief. He told me he had been worried about me. I told him I was sorry, but that I had really needed to be alone for the past day & had purposely not been looking at my phone. I also briefly mentioned the news I had just learned about Danielle. He said some swift thing like “Well remember what Krishna told Arjuna, when Arjuna expressed his fear of his friends dying”. The thing is I knew. I still know. I haven’t lost that picture. I have better tools now, and do not feel the urge to fall apart like I did when my cousin died (although even then I managed not to). Ellie’s death was perhaps the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through in my entire life. And I am surviving that. It has prepared me for so much, including Danielle’s horrible death. I kinda wanted to smack him… just a little. Okay, maybe just pinch him a little. I just feel huge resentments towards people who speak to me like I am being some overdramatic-woman-type creature. As if being upset at my friend’s death was an overreaction of some sort (I had resolved my composure at this point).  As if I was some person that needed to be lulled back into a rational state of mind. In fact, I think I am quite good at that- the key being that I allow myself to fully feel my feelings through a purge of emotion. I guess it’s not my buisness what other people’s opinions of me are. Their opinions are only a reflection of their own inner psyche. So, I learned in that moment not to give single shit about what he thought & do whatever I needed to do to feel okay.

Danielle wasn’t in my everyday anymore, though, I suppose she had been for a few years. I cannot imagine the heart pain of the people that were so deeply intertwined with hers. For Kluane who did have her in her everyday. For her partner Colby, who had had her in his everyday for so so so many years at this point. I have such fond memories of Colby & Danielle doing goofy sung duets- Colby occasionally pulling out his Kermit the frog puppet. They had hosted countless potlucks gathering the community throughout university & beyond. My heartaches for her family. How absolutely horrible & out of the blue. She had flown so many times- travelling all around the country with her job. There is just no making sense of it, even though I am still trying for some reason.

I got myself to the bus stop & climbed onto the bus feeling partially numb. I did a pretty good job of not crying- though I still welled up with tears on a semi-regular basis, trying not to freak out the girl that was sitting next to me. I checked in on Klu, who went ahead with performing in her Hip-Hop dance recital- which I am so unbelievably proud of her for. Katie told me that yesterday, a letter arrived for Klu from Danielle. From what I know, the letter contained fairly ordinary, but non-the-less lovely thoughts & dreams. I can’t imagine what getting a letter like that would be like. I do remember how scared I was went they first found Katie’s tumour though. How precious it was to have time to process all of it. With Danielle’s passing, there was non of it.

I got into LA & after a rather fumbly uber ride, I found myself on the couch of my uncles house yet again. In the morning, Tom woke me up & asked if I wanted to do yoga on the  beach with Mia & him. Of course I said yes. I feel more grounded now that I have the tools do deal with all these emotional difficulties. But I can’t help have my mind wander over to thoughts of Danielle quite often.

So too, were my thoughts wandering over to the imminent flight I too was supposed to be boarding in order to travel to Mexico. Mia & Tom were both flying out the following day too- and we tried to keep our fear to the minimal, by not talking about it too much.

We were gentle with out last day in LA. We rode those uber scooter’s back and forth between Venice Beach and Santa Monica. I’m glad I finally got to find them- they are so fun. More importantly that gave me that same wholly free feeling I had in riding that rusty old bike around New Orleans. I had a rush of realization with how much I loved LA. Venice Beach in particular. I have such gratitude for the laid back warmth this area provides. It was like a really soft cushion to fall onto after a challenging week.

We ate at swinger’s diner & talked about family dynamics, Danielle & Ellie & about what we would all do in Toronto when we got there. Of course, my thoughts flickered to the fact that that meant more plane rides. I had only extremely recently become completely comfortable with planes after all this time. My flights are already booked though, and I am determined not to have fear steal my wanderlust. Anyways, I miss my sisters. And seeing them means going to Europe.

I caught up with some friends while I walked around Venice beach by myself later that day. Stopping to look at the deep fried oreos that were calling out my name, until I decided to ignore them. I hung out with Tom & Caroline in the apartment for the rest of that evening, as Eric & Mia went out for dinner just the two of them. I passed out on the couch a little cookie drunk. We had been watching Christopher Robin (after it became very clear that Blood Diamond was WAY too violent for me these days). Of course normally I would have been sure to pack my bag meticulously the night before, but in my altered state I chose to fall asleep instead. I resolved to wake early & do it then, meaning I knida rushed it, packing in the dim morning light of Mia’s still darkended bedroom. Tom Left early, then it was me, then Mia left an hour later- all at differet terminals, so I guess it didn’t really matter we weren’t able to hang at the airport together.

In my haste, I forgot to take my grohman pocket knife out of my purse…which I only realized as they searched my bag. The lady at TSA looked at me like I had done it on purpose & was an absolute criminal. She noted it down on my record. I cried. Honestly because that knife meant to much to me & was one of my prized pocessions. I reminded myself there was more important things in the world & that I could always eventually get a new one. But I continued crying a bit anyways- my thoughts drifting along other paths. Danielle. The coming plane ride. My knife. My frustration with myself. But mostly it became about the plane.

After that incident, I pretty well ran through the airport to make the flight, so there wasn’t that much to think afterall. When I got onto the aircraft I forbaid myself from thinking any bad thoughts. “not in here” I repeated internally. I closed my eyes once I was settles & chooed the thoughts out of my brain. Repeating my mantra over and over and over. Somewhere in there I came back into awareness enough to fill out my immigration form.

When I landed in Cancun I was exhausted & downed a whole bag on banana chips out of frustration. I took the bus into Playa del Carmen where Katie was waiting for me. The humidity here struck me immediately. Especially seeing as I had a huge pack & was still wearing my jeans- which seemed wholly reasonable in California, but ridiculous here. Seeing Katie felt unreal. When I saw her face, it was like I came into realization that I was really there- that I had survived my flight & I could enjoy the next couple weeks with my friends.

Katie had offered to stay on the phone with my as I boarded. I was relieved I didn’t need that, although I was grateful for the offer. The past few days we have been scheming ways of supporting Klu on her journey here. Not only is she sure to be exhausted, I understand the fear she is experiencing in getting on the plane. Anything we can do to help her, Katie & I are determined to carry out.

For right now, for me, that looks like doing some of the footwork of contacting some of the organizations Danielle was a part of to inform them of the ritual. And also check on Klu and do my best to support her in these moments- though I know she’s thrown herself fully into planning (which she thrives in anyways). I don’t know what support will look like here in Mexico, but we will have to play it by ear. We will only be able to tell when it happens. All I know is that during a time like this, it’ll be so nice to have some of my best friends all together again.

[nofomoartworld]

Hyperallergic: A Performance Overwhelms the Audience with Racism in an Attempt to Heal

Khiry Walker in 3/Fifths at 3-Legged Dog Art & Technology Center (all photos by Skye Morse-Hodgson)

I don’t think I’ve ever attended a performance in which the word “nigger” was said so often or so lustily. The “interactive carnival and cabaret” — as writer and producer James Scruggs describes it — that is 3/Fifths is an evening-length performance that makes the corrosive effects of racism relentlessly felt through a variety of storytelling vehicles, the most painful being humor.

The performance began with a relatively innocent query. A woman sitting in a chair, wearing dark glasses and holding a walking stick, essentially posing as blind (later I would see her easily negotiate her way around a semicircular stage, so I know it was a ruse), asked everyone in front of me as they entered the theater whether they were black or white. We had to choose one or the other — I saw someone try to identify as “other,” and she wasn’t allowed. After we answered, everyone was marked with either a single black line or two parallel white lines on our foreheads, and we were each given a number of “supremacy” dollars. Some people clearly identified as they chose, not as they are; I saw some black lines on very light-toned skin. Something about this felt like the insertion of a knife between the ribs: I identified myself and was thus encouraged to see the degradation that was to follow (much of which was aimed at black people, though there were some insults only self-identified whites were allowed to experience, such as the “fragility nurses” who walked around offering who knows what) as somewhat of an extension of my own decision. However, the rest of the three-hour performance didn’t leave much room for personal choice.

Matthew Brown managing the “Scene of the Crime”

The immersion in the indignity that ratcheted up throughout most of the performance began in a long hallway filled with videos projections, including embarrassingly racist cartoons and white men demonstrating how to use a wooden baton in self-defense. Then the host, a woman in a fairly obvious long blonde wig and a red gown with a Confederate flag stitched onto the back, welcomed us to “Supremacy Land” where, among other attractions, “we can see the nigger in his natural habitat: jail.” The “nigger”s flow fast and hard after that. I was so uncomfortable I started planning to leave. I had only been there for 20 minutes.

Lauren White playing the host

After the introduction, we were led into a fairground space, the “Atrocity Carnival,” where we could play various games, like “Lynching Wheel of Fortune,” “Ask a Black Man,” and “Rough Ride,” which played off the Freddie Gray story, allowing guests to shake up a toy police transport van while a corresponding electronic onscreen avatar tumbled all over and a meter recorded how much damage was being done to the character. I played “Scene of the Crime,” in which I was told by a grinning white actor that a man of color had been spotted in the neighborhood and that I could do my civic duty by reporting him as either a gang member, a drug dealer, or a sexual predator. Then, with eyes closed, I was spun around and asked to throw beanbag weights shaped like handguns onto a chalked outline of a body on the ground. My accuracy was rewarded with more “supremacy” dollars. I also played “Lynching Wheel of Fortune,” in which the operator spun a wheel partitioned into categories corresponding to decades in the 20th century or sums of money. When a decade was landed on, participants were quizzed about what would have gotten a black man lynched at that time (the right answer, no matter how ridiculous the reasons sounded, was always “D: All of the above”).

David Roberts and William Delaney as prison workers in “Supremacy Land”

Later on, the cabaret portion took place in another section of the theater, to which we were led by a black woman in bright stage makeup walking on stilts beneath a wash of colorful fabric. She sang and chanted songs that seemed African and tribal. This interlude started out well, but quickly went south. There was a “welcome” home, pitting the white actors, who were singing a patriotic song, against the black actors, who sang their own songs and engaged in a kind of rhythmic, flowing dance that was likely West African–inspired. It all became cacophony.

Then there was a section that seemed to go on forever, in which two black men wearing blackface (blacker face?) the color of shoe polish acted out stereotypes of black people in a movie theater: loudly declaiming their business while varied clips played on the back of the proscenium. They received phone calls, conducted loud arguments, yelled their critiques of the movies — it came close to being unbearable. Finally the section closed with a kind of dystopian drama in which all the black actors played prisoners/employees in a scheme combining the spectacles of West World, Black Mirror, and Oz. This section did end on an upbeat note: Following a crisis, the characters asserted their recognition of their humanity and decided to fight back.

L-R: Ken Straus and William Delaney as the General and a prison worker in “Supremacy Land”

However, for me, the crux of the show occurred earlier, during the carnival section. At one point, a black man in a motley outfit of striped trousers, beige tailcoat, and black top hat, who, like the other actors, had a ruthless grin plastered on his face, walked into the center ring, climbed onto a dais, and began to tell terrible racist jokes — most of which featured the word “nigger” as the punchline. What do you call a black man with an education? Nigger. What’s a black man once he leaves the room? Nigger. Then a seemingly nervous white man posing as an audience member requested and was given the barker’s microphone, and he proceeded to start telling his own racist jokes. How do you keep niggers from going out? Add more gasoline. What do you do if you find a nigger sunk in cement up to his neck? Get more cement. Eventually the barker took back the microphone, and the black man finally switched tracks to tell a joke in which a white man is the butt of it. On hearing yet another “nigger” joke in reply, the barker began to get angry and moved toward the white man, who had by then fully embraced his racism and was exulting in being able to display it publicly. Another actor stepped in to defuse things.

Natalie Chapman as the attendant of the “Lynching Wheel of Fortune”

This scene was the most crucial for me because it got directly at what 3/Fifths (a reference to the Three-Fifths Compromise that effectively enshrined the dehumanization of black people in the Constitution) is doing. Those jokes felt like a bloodletting, like a bevy of long knives inserted into every audience member. It’s as if the body politic today is so sick from collective disease that remains hidden under the patina of polite conversation, unethical legal compromises, historical amnesia, and obscurantist rhetoric, that the word “nigger” is the only thing strong and sharp enough to pierce the swollen skin and let the pus flow out. The patient (the nation) is so ill that the show’s creators believe they must resort to the most barbaric form of intervention: bleeding the patient. In a way, it worked: I felt cut every time the word “nigger” was deployed with strategic glee.

But I wonder — to bring the metaphor to its conclusion — whether the patient is too far gone to save.

Perhaps because I have been watching American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson, the moment when the barker approached the white man to do him harm felt like the lead-up to a riot. It seems like uprisings and riots are another way to bleed the patient. To be violent, verbally or physically, is to take a slash-and-burn approach to waking up our collective consciousness, which makes for a difficult performance to participate in. The ambitions of 3/Fifths are worthwhile, but leaving the theater, I didn’t feel cured. Would anyone be? After we’ve been cut to pieces by all that vileness served with a smile, what are the chances of recovery?

3/Fifths continues at 3-Legged Dog Art and Technology Center (80 Greenwich Street, Financial District) through May 28.

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